just so you know, this is a boring post. but its my blog, and i want to be boring right now.

this post is just going to be a mish mash of whatever has been on my mind lately, because i don't feel coherent enough at the current time to figure out what the theme is or how it all matches or how to make some sort of sense of everything, which is i think is okay, and im trying to be okay with that. but i do want to write, because i havent in weeks and weeks and weeks, and because sometimes writing it all out helps me make sense of the puzzle in a way that i cant seem to do in the hollows of my own mind. but be forewarned, this is all enormously boring.

the purpose of this blog is not a personal diary or play by play of my lifes events, but instead small prayers to those beautiful things that make my heart keep beating (as ee writes, those times when the "singing reaches of my soul spoke the green"). for me it is those small moments of clarity, those prayers to a greater force, those "poppies in october" (slyvia plath) which are "a gift, a love gift, Utterly unasked for By a sky," and it is these moments or poems or flowers or blue sky or handholds or perfectly written sentences or perfect mountains, moments of ultimate beauty, that make my insides cry out "O my God, what am I, That these late mouths should cry open In a forest of frost, in a dawn of cornflowers." To translate into mormonspeak, these moments are tender mercies in the middle of the forest of frost, miliseconds when my spirit seems in perfect harmony with the world's spirit. As Goethe once so eloquently wrote in his masterpiece Faust, "Art is long, time short."

the reason i write about these lovegifts is because they keep me sane, and they keep me believing that the world is more beautiful than ugly, and because i think in the hustle and bustle of real life duties we tend to ignore these small moments in which the heavens are opened and the Universe makes himself known, . that being said, i can tend to be the opposite of normal--the partaker of love gifts and the shunner of real life, which is a doomed way to live when life is composed of an endless cycle of everydays, and love gifts may feed the soul but they cannot feed the mouth.

i guess the concept of everydays and practicality has been on my mind because nick and i are at a crossroads of sorts, trying to figure out which path is ours for the taking. ive been thinking a lot about robert frost's poem the road not taken, especially in light of its generally accepted misinterpretation. I will post the poem here for your reading pleasure:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

The general public has pegged this poem a beacon of inspiration, a tribute to taking the road less traveled. in actuality, the tone of the poem is probably ironic, a jab at the tendency of humankind to rationalize their decisions and in all likelihood is probably hinting that taking one or the other will not end up making an enormous difference. but we still worry and worry about which path is right, and then once our minds are made up, we think of all of the reasons we are right. i dont know why this poem has been a scrolling marquee in my bogged down brain, but it has been. maybe because i wonder if in the end the road less traveled is over-rated, or what my personal path should be. we're in the middle of some serious decision making--staying in utah is the practical choice, we would be turning down a big chunk of change not to, but i dont want to be in utah, and dont plan on being here for any extended period of time. but sometimes i feel idiotic in the middle of a recession to turn down promotions for the sake of following my heart, when i know following your heart is not always the most correct principle. ive always been one to chase the adventure--i want to live in kenya, or uruguay, or anywhere not in the country. i want to do crazy things. i want to see everything. i know the greater purpose of life is to serve others, to serve God, and to become internally the person you are meant to become, but what is the purpose of life on a day to day scale? i think it is probably different for everyone, and unique for everyone. but its hard when you hear that you should be buying a house and thinking about the future when really you just want to be living in a big city and giving homeless people lollipops.

i could wax philosphical all day long. i could even throw in a dozen or so philosophers to help me figure out this conundrum. in the end, i think which path you choose does matter. i strongly believe there is a divine plan for me, and i was born thinking im going to do amazing, world-changing things (my mom said i was born with confidence you've never seen). i think everyone has this capability and amazing, world-changing things to offer, if they choose to follow the right path. my dad says most choose the path of least resistance, which i try to avoid so carefully sometimes i arbitrarily choose the path of most resistance. maybe there are a series of right paths. who knows. all i know is, i dont want to be in utah, and im deathly afraid of settling or not getting advanced degrees or not choosing something, but just ending up with it because i happened upon it, which makes sleeping at night rather difficult.

this is a boring, rambling, ridiculous post. but i told nick last night that in most general, daily conversation i never really say what im thinking about or what i wish to be saying, because i know the other person isnt interested in a discussion of aristotle or a debate on gun control, and sometimes i just want to say what i say.

OKAY? SO THIS IS ME SAYING WHAT I WANT TO SAY. GET OVER IT.

if anyone has guidance on the topic, or can help me figure out the right plan for my life, let me know ASAP. i also want you all to know that this is a more specific, daily worry, but that overall i am confident God or the Universe or whichever higher power you believe in, will lead me the direction I need to go to accomplish those big, world-changing things. and i keep reminding myself of that.

okay everyone, the boringness is over. please excuse when the enormous, overanalytical, nose-in-a-book nerd inside of me pushes her way past the skinny jeans.