obama fist bumps. and so do i.

i have been an active fist bumper since the ripe age of 7. though the specific motions have varied throughout the ages, the fist bump itself has remained a stable, a constant in my toolbox of touches. i am a self diagnosed hug phobic and used to be a touch phobic, especially public touch, and especially touch initiated by others. typing those words just made my insides feel weird. i hated christmas, because it meant i would have to hug my cousins. when my cousin jake came home from his mission, i hid in the airport bathroom so there would be no forced touching between us. you think i exaggerate, but this is all 100 percent fact. the fist bump provided a perfect solution to all my touching woes: it lasts a split second, the only contact that occurs is between fists, and it reinforces good feelings and glad tidings without any sort of awkward, unnecessary body contact.

i perfected my fist bumping skills in 7th and 8th grade, when forced hugging both when you saw someone and when you parted ways was a must to be a cool kid. unfortunately, i was a cool kid, so i was assaulted by hugs from sweaty 7th grade boys left and right. school was a touching nightmare. i had lots of friends. this meant 30-40 hugs a day. for someone that will go to great lengths to avoid one forced hug, 30-40 was out of the picture. i was being touched too much. touch could come at any time, without warning, and i was never prepared. something had to be done to prevent this invasion of personal space.

though i had been an active fist bumper for the duration of my elementary school years, jr high is when fist bumping became my saving grace. extend a fist, avoid a sweaty hug. fist bumping was a dream compared to a forced hug in which no one knows where to put their arms, your jansport backpack is providing blockage to essential areas needed to complete the touch, and at any moment, with the wrong head turn, your ear could suction to their cheek (has that ever happened to you? in the todem pole of awkward things that could happen during a forced touch, the ear suction is at the top, no questions asked). with fist bumps, there are no questions of full frontal vs. side, height differences, girl arms on top or boy arms, two armed or one, back pat, duration, did i put on deodorant this morning? there is no chance of accidental awkward body part touching. it is intimate without being awkward. and that is how in 7th and 8th grade, i became known as the fist bumper.

though i have gotten less awkward in recent times, i am still not a fan of the forced hug. i have gone to great lengths to avoid the end of the date hug. i am not ashamed to say i have utilized the fist bump as an end of the date hug replacement. brad packer knows what im talking about. it doesnt mean i didnt have a good time. i am just not good at hugging, as my friend chateau was always quick to point out. i am a one armed hugger at best, and my body stiffens to a dead board. who wants to hug a dead board after a magical night together? (i guess all boards are dead, but if you have hugged me in recent times, you know what i mean). fist bumping, on the other hand, is one of my touching talents. i have good hand eye coordination, and a knack for hitting my target. your fist never leaves my fist not feeling good, while my ability to end of the date hug is up there with my ability to match articles of clothing. nonexistent.

though maybe during my jr high years i was not proud of this talent, i am no longer going to hide my fist bumping skills under a bushel. if barack fist bumps when he finds out he received the democratic nomination for the white house, possibly one of the largest feats of all time, then fist bumping is the new top of the todem pole of touch. he could have cried, he could have kissed his wife on the mouth, he could have smoked a victory cigarette, he could have picked her up and whirled her around. but he fist bumped, because he wanted to. and maybe you dont, but i understand exactly how barack was feeling, and i salute him. the fist bump is a token of friendship that can be exchanged with anyone, no matter their height, race, sexual preference, age or hygiene habits. it doesnt discriminate. it just loves. with that fist bump, barack told us: im just one of you. anyone can vote for me, just like anyone can fist bump. i touch my wifes fist. i will touch yours.

so next time you see me and i bump your fist, dont feel offended. im touching you the way i know best. knuckles are the new waist. double bumps are the new back pat. fist bumping is sweeping the nation. fist bump is love. pass it on.